– If you write a personal note, who will want to read it?
– Let them not read. The handful of those who will, will because they love me. What more can I wish for?
– What do you wish for?
– Companionship, camaraderie, love, trust, acceptance.
– You just had a couple of shots.
– I’m not drunk.
– Do you miss Calcutta?
– Not really. Places do not really matter, the people in the memories do; they’ve left the city.
– There comes your next shot!
– What would you name this blog post?
– Mood Swings. No. Scrapbook, where I’ll paste the photographs and write a bit about my feelings about it.
– Weren’t you planning this to be, “Transit”?
– My life has always been in transit. What’s new in this? I’ve always been travelling from one place to another, from one phase to another; Rhythmic and often without logic.
When Manish was driving me to the international airport in Delhi, I do not know what exactly I was feeling. You know the kind of feeling you have when you go to the US being invited to something that’s supposed to be very prestigious. You know you would come back for a couple of hours only to fly to Germany and stay there for perhaps, the rest of your life. There’re parents back home in Kolkata and a business which is now in the hands of someone else. People questioned me, argued for and against my wish of pursuing my masters. Most of the discussions weren’t really benevolent.
The Almighty has blessed me with everything I’ve ever wished for. Even Manish and Akriti and the family there, has always been there with me, every time I was in Delhi even by accident. A lot of them were accidents. I have a family outside my blood relations and they make sure I never falter. Even I’ve asked myself, how necessary is moving out?
But Germany is liberating, I must tell you. People are punctual, they love working, they concentrate on basics. The roads are clean and people follow traffic rules! I love the anonymity here. I love the freedom here. I love the way I can walk into a classroom without preparation and not be judged when I ask stupid questions. I love the way I find time for my own self and read things I love reading. And I love the way I am making this my home.
You dream of a life where you’re truly free. Would you not?
But each phase brings with itself, it’s own share of challenges. As much as I am relishing the anonymity, I have this hunger to prove myself one more time, with the kind of challenges the Almighty is throwing at me. While I struggled to find a place to live and some internet to work on, I lost a couple of clients back in India; the sunshine was hidden behind a thick grey cloud. Also, I refuse to repeat my mistakes.
There were little joys though,
I’m getting used to this new life, slowly. Slower than one expects a student to be. I’m getting used to becoming an academic again. Slowly, slower than they would expect me to be.
There was snow and then there was sunshine; much representing the myriad shades of life, the Almighty has to offer.
– Show me some of your old photographs.
– And blabber more? Haha.
The kingdom of clouds, for me, is not Meghalaya. It is Darjeeling. It has for you it’s narrow streets by the side of the mountains, the much of which you can not see till the clouds clear the view. It’s like life; you’re there is the most beautiful phase but with a clouded vision.
– You’re drunk, Anirban!
Have you ever been with a person who created a web of lies and deceit? With every step forward, you fall a little more, a little down, a little more on your knees. But you seem to like the freshness of the low. Untangled later, coming back from the untimely death. Wuff.
With each rise and fall, I learned one thing – A couple of the ones I love would keep loving me whether or not I stay in Kolkata, whether or not I am successful, whether or not I am relevant in their lives.
Human relationships are about being relevant and continue being relevant to each other;
Big and beautiful, but somehow restricted and caged; should he not fly to a place unbound, where people would be amused by the colours and the happiness he has to share?
– You love your life, isn’t it?
– And I am proud of it. I never talk about the struggles or limitations. No one is interested. I shouldn’t brag about success either; makes people deep down jealous. If I could, I should help one person at a time go to the next level, share my knowledge. I think I have had enough shots. We’re just making a big hole in our pockets.
– Show me more photographs.
I do not know why this moment in life is stuck with me. I want to hold this back and never let it go!
– there are times like now when life seems to have come to a halt. Pause. Reflect. Add to life.