Some idle time by the side of the river watching the children play, the ducks walk around, the daily labourers smoking marijuana and ranting about their daily life. It was still warm after the sun set. It was windy by the river Ganga. Slowly the darkness enveloped the region.
I had lost my mental calm after ages. I stared at the children, earphones plugged in, I tried to make some meaning out of the life. Truth, something beneath truth – truer than the apparent truth in itself. The unperceived, intangible, the one that can not be held on to. The truth like this present moment, that passes away as I press another key on the keyboard – inconsistent, was very much here and now is gone.
Gone is a part of my life that has left for me, in me – memories, smile and chaotic voices. I hate the stillness when the music in my earphone comes to a stop. The world stops for me. A thousand chaotic voices higher their tones inside my head. Unclear thoughts, gibberish arguments. A thousand emotions, up in arms against each other. All in denial of the truth.
While my inside was torn apart by conflicting emotions, a boat passed by. I noticed this child in front of me, holding his kite high up waiting for a stronger wind. I realised, a considerable amount of time was already spent. Life, perceptions, people and the purpose of friendship confuse me. I live today bewildered by the very thought of love, of life and of living. Life has always been on a move, it has never halted for anyone. In this rush, I wonder where I have left my childhood, my dreams and my aspirations. I wonder where I have left the craze of my college life. I wonder how I fell in love, numerous times with numerous people, I wonder how I never expressed them.
I wonder how, in this pace, I was existing in only my life and no one else’s.
The truth stands truer, mightier in all its glory. Life, has never been stagnant, I have never properly existed. A hundred people touched my life, I shall touch a hundred million more… never existing, never stopping.
But at times, in introspection. The times, when the heart rebels against my theory of life, the cry gets louder than the applause in the auditorium, when the stillness gives birth to void. The void that engulfs me inside out.
This chaos needs louder music.